Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.

2. She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow

3. It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain

4. Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas Adams, {Mostly Harmless}

5. Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, {Mostly Harmless}

6. Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar

7. Who says nothing is impossible.

8.Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

9. Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!-Lewis Black

10. How many times to I have to flush before you go away?