Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. Life becomes useless and insipid when we have no longer either friends or enemies.

2. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

3. On the other hand... you have different fingers.

4. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

5. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

6. Money Talks ... but all mine ever says is Goodbye!

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.

9. There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

10. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Short Funny Sayings and Quotes

1. Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee.

2. Morning news is where they begin with 'Good Morning', and then proceed to tell you why isn't it.

3. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

4. It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly. - Oscar Wilde

5. I've got a... uh... uh... Oh yeah - a photographic memory!

6. 8 qualities of a PERFECT boyfriend... Brave,Intelligent, Gentle,Polite, Energetic, Non-alcoholic, Industrious, Self-organised. In short, B.I.G.P.E.N.I.S.

7. My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures. - Michael Caine (Alfie, 1966)

8. I have a good, hearty laugh and an energetic handshake, and those are trump cards. - Albert Camus

9. Bigamy : one husband too many. Monogamy : same thing.

10. Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Short Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home.

2. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

3. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

4. Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?

5. As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!

6. Wrestling is ballet with violence.

7. Sticking feathers up your butt, doesn't make you a chiken.

8. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

9. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.

10. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

Short Funny Sayings and Quotes

1. Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

2. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. - Oscar Wilde

3. Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!

4. I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!

5. Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both. - Samuel Butler

6. Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

7. Bugs are Sons of Glitches!

8. The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.

9. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. - Euripides

10. Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Short Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

2. It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. - Jerome K. Jerome

3. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

4. He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

5. My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok! - Jay Leno (as he had his arms around Curvaceous cook Nigella Lawson)

6. Blessed is he who can laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be amused.

7. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

8. Always remember, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

9. Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good!

10. One of the surest signs that intelligent life exists in outer space is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Short Funny Sayings

1. A rich man’s joke is always funny.

2. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

3. Fighting for Peace is like having Sex for Virginity.

4. The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.

5. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

6. Ask a woman for the time. "10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you."

7. First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.

8. That's Reedicks! [The lazy way to find something ridiculous.]

9. Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

10. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Short Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. 80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn't read.

2. It is better to stay silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

3. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

4. He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.

5. I have the body of a god… Buddha!

6. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

7.An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

8. I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

9. Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

10. "inside me, There's a thin women trying to get out........But i can usually shut the cow up with chocolate."

Funny Smart Sayings

1. Be of use, but don't be used.

2. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

3. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

4. The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up. - Mark Twain

5. 1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.

6. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton (quoted in Canada Monthly, Jun 1963)

7. I'm only laughing on the outside My smile is only skin deep If you could see inside I'm only crying You might join me for a weep. - Batman

8. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

9. I’m also not very analytical. You know I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things. - George W. Bush

10. Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.

2. She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow

3. It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain

4. Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas Adams, {Mostly Harmless}

5. Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, {Mostly Harmless}

6. Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar

7. Who says nothing is impossible.

8.Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

9. Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!-Lewis Black

10. How many times to I have to flush before you go away?

Short Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. That's the secret to life! replace one worry with another!!

2. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

3. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

4. No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone; any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech. - Kin Hubbard

5. Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

6. Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth. Thank you for being the pee in my pants!!

7. (_!_) An ass

(__!__) Fat ass

(!) Tight ass

(_?_) Dumb ass

(_*_) Sore ass

(_zzz_) Tired ass

(_E=mc2_) Smart ass

(_x_) Kiss my ass!!

Very Funny Short Sayings

1. Baby, somebody better call God, because he's missing an angel!

2. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

3. People are quick to share their food when they realize they can?t eat it all.

4. She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.

5. All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane!

6. In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?

7. Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.

8. A smile starts on the lips, A grin spreads to the eyes, A chuckle comes from the belly; But a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, Overflows, and bubbles all around.

9. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!

10. There should be A Special Prison for Stupid People.

Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. Hey you wanna have sex and get married? Ok then...' that works every time!

2. Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you one hunred dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.

3. People ask me, If I'd pefer to go to hell or heaven! I say hell because it's nice and warm down there.

4. Im a nobody.. nobody's perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!

5. Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. -- Mike Tyson

6. What a desolate place would be a world without flowers. It would be a face without a smile; a feast without a welcome. Are not flowers the stars of the earth? Are not our stars the flowers of heaven?Clara L. Balfour

7. UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist!

8. All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

9. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

10. Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love.

Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

2. There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy, Her heart. -Melanie Griffith

3. Teamwork-- means never having to take all the blame yourself.

4. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

5. I never met a chocolate I never liked!

6. I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian. -- Sir Cliff Richard

7. There is nothing more foolish than a foolish laugh.

8. Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.

9. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

10. Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.

Celebs Quotes and Sayings

1. Love is grand; divorce is a 100 grand.

2. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

3. I would stop eating chocolate.. but I'm not a quitter!

4. You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. -- John Mendoza

5. Gravity…… always gets me down.

6. Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad. - Christina Georgina Rossetti

7. The bandage was wound around the wound.

8. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

9. Sometimes people need what only friends can provide — Absence.

10. Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?

Short Funny Sayings and Quotes

1. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen

2. Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.

3. Be creative, invent a perversion.

4. I want you to know that our friendship means a lot to me. You cry I cry.You laugh I laugh. You jump out of the window... I look down and then... I laugh again.

5. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

6. On an elevator in New York: Elevator out of order.Scribbled underneath: Try the ones across the street.

7. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. (Clown Prince of American Humor, 1975)

8. I Don’t Know What Makes You So Dumb, But It Really Works.

9. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

10. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over the strings are attached.